I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to publish this, but I wanted it to be perfect. Last Wednesday, February 18, 2009, I had the distinct pleasure of hearing Elizabeth Gilbert – author, seeker and wise woman extraordinaire – speak at the Smart Talk Conversation Series at the Aronoff Center in Cincinnati. And let me tell you, she was fantastic. Everything I had hoped she would be. Wise, thought-provoking, funny, cute, entertaining, etc. I can’t stop talking about her talk!
The conversation began with Liz modestly explaining that the success of Eat, Pray, Love was entirely unexpected and disproportionate to the popularity of her previous writings. Before, she sold 7 copies of each book – she’s pretty certain to all her mom’s friends. And suddenly the story of getting her life turned around sells 7 MILLION?!? She refers to it as a parade outside her window, and as she’s inside doing laundry or the dishes, she’ll look out and say, “Is that really still going on?”
Her book seemed to strike a deep chord with millions of women, for a variety of reasons. But she is concerned that they think she now has it all figured out, kind of like a Sudoku puzzle – she’s finally put all the numbers in the right squares and voila, she can sit back and just enjoy life without a care for the next 30 years.
But she doesn’t have it all figured out. She just made a dramatic effort to change her life. And changing your life is difficult, expensive, frustrating and extremely irritating to those around you. Her acknowledgement of this (especially the expensive part!) was extremely comforting to me!! But she worries about a dangerous trend of authors and media giving a quick fix for lives, kind of like flipping a switch. People who are searching for something find these resources, embrace them, and experience a temporary euphoria that inevitably leads to a deeper crash.
Modern society offers women so many choices these days that it can almost generate a crippling neurosis. She defines neurosis as a situation where “we don’t want what we want,” or where symbolic satisfactions cannot fulfill real needs. (like thinking we want a brand new Mercedes but what we really want is admiration and acceptance) We are very vulnerable to feeling this way because of the confusing array of options for how we can live our lives. More choices are not necessarily good as we end up second-guessing ourselves due to fear of NOT making the other choice. Just when we arrive at a decision for our lives, we see someone doing it another way and can’t help but wonder…should I have done it that way???
Part of the issue is that there is no longer a standard for the “ideal woman.” You know the old standard: grow up to be a great cook, wife, mother and housekeeper. Because we now have so many other possibilities for our lives, we are often crippled by the options.
She described a column that Martha Beck wrote in O Magazine about 4 kinds of women: Woman #1 chose to be a stay at home mom. But she is conflicted about whether she should have had a career. Woman #2 chose not to have children and have a solid career but she is conflicted that perhaps she should have had children. Woman #3 is doing both, but is conflicted that neither her career or her kids will live up to their full potential because of her lack of undivided attention. And Woman #4 she calls a Mystic. The Mystic can be any of the previous 3 women, except that she has found her inner core voice and believes in the path she has chosen.
We are all kind of called upon to be Mystics these days as it is very challenging to live with all these choices. (Note: I tried to find this article on oprah.com, looking at each issue back to 2002, but did not find it…)
Her commentary on marriage and the high rate of divorce these days was particularly interesting. She articulates that as early as 100 years ago, marriage as an institution was much more a means of preserving a community and not so much about love and companionship. People entered into marriage out of utility with low expectations for love, so marriages lasted longer because they fulfilled other needs in the community. Now that marriage is more based on companionate love, there are bound to be more divorces because when you get the heart involved, the marriage becomes intrinsically fragile. Referencing her own first and second marriages, she states that the big difference is that when she entered into the second, she knew she was gambling.
Her follow-up book to Eat, Pray, Love is a study of marriage called, Matrimonium. As she was writing the book, she was feeling burdened by a tremendous sense of obligation to her readers. It had to live up to Eat, Pray, Love! Upon finishing the book, she took it to Kinko’s, had it copied and bound, opened it up and realized it was all wrong. All 500 pages of it. But the book was due – she had already been paid for it! She wasn’t sure what to do, until one night she had a dream where she was begging her publishers for her life. She woke up sobbing. And if there is one thing she has learned, it is that, “If you wake up sobbing, this is a message.”
She ended up asking her publishers for more time to consider the book, and they granted it. This decision was based on a Brazilian saying, “Listen to the whispers or soon you will be listening to the screams.”
As women, we often have a conflict between what our heart is telling us and what our head is telling us to do. But we really should not listen to either. Our heads are confused, full of too many ideas. Our hearts are too soft – they really just want to give and receive love and can lead us down the wrong path. What we need to listen to is our gut – our bodies. When we are making the wrong decision, the body knows and it expresses itself through pain – the whispers to start, then the crippling illness when it becomes a scream.
Think of it this way: our bodies have had millions of years of evolution to develop. Our heads, or our psyche, have really only been in use for thousands of years. Our “software” is much less developed than our bodies. When a femur bone is broken, our body heals it in weeks or months. But we have still not found a sure and quick way to heal a broken heart.
So if our gut doesn’t feel right, we need to listen. As an aside, my mom actually used this quite a bit when my brother and I were teenagers. More often than not, when I was preparing to try and get away with something, she would pull out the old, “This doesn’t feel right in my gut,” and nip my plans in the bud. For example, as a sophomore in high school, my friends and I decided that it was time for us to try drinking. We made plans on where, got someone to find us some wine, and were all ready to go. As I was preparing to head out, my mom said to me, “I get the feeling that tonight is a significant night in your social life, but it just doesn’t feel right to me in my gut. Please remember the consequences of getting caught doing something illegal.” Do you think I even came within 50 feet of alcohol that night?!? How could I argue with that?
But the lesson here is that when our body is sending us a message, we need to listen. Sometimes, “I don’t know,” is a perfectly legitimate answer. So Liz decided to shelve the book for six months and just live life. She rode her bike, ate ice cream, started a garden, and swam in the Delaware River. (I want this life!!) She also started a daily ritual she calls a “silence bath.” Her philosophy is if we can find 10 minutes a day to shower, we can find 10 minutes a day to sit in silence. She takes her silence bath by taking her cat into her bedroom, laying down, closing her eyes and just listening for 10 minutes. (she joked that some might call this a nap!) But it works for her.
Eventually she set a date for herself and tried writing again on October 1. This time, rather than forcing it, she just started on a line and let it go on a path. She finished the book a couple weeks ago and it is perfect! (Now WHEN does it come out?!?)
The point of the story though, is that by listening to her gut she was able to avoid a full-blown crisis and rather just had a nice, efficient, week-long mini-crisis that was a very non-forcing and gentle process.
All of this is a reminder that as women we have to remember that this is an unprecedented time to be a woman. And “to thine own self be gentle.”
A comment on this, if I may, is that I couldn’t agree more with the notion that we have more choices than we can grasp. I’ve always felt like there is no better time to be a woman because not only can we pretty much do ANYTHING we want, but there are countless initiatives in place that encourage and enable this! But it can be crippling to try and find the right path without a lot of self-awareness and giving ourselves permission to change our mind and say, “I don’t know.”
After the formal speech was over, there was a question and answer session with questions from the audience. A couple quotes that I found to be full of wisdom are below:
“To compose our character is our sole life’s responsibility.” – Montagne
“I do not want to be the poster child for everyone to get divorced and go to India. Geography does not give the answers. Sitting in India doesn’t enlighten one anymore than sitting in your garage makes you a car.”
In regards to taking the journey of your lifetime, whether it be a cruise around the world, an African safari, or just a month-long road trip, her advice is to set a date, even if it is in 20 years. Having that date will make it happen.
When asked who she would like to have dinner with if she could pick anyone, her answer is Pemo Chodran, a Canadian woman who is the first Tibetan monk from North America. She has written several influential books, including, Start From Where You Are and When Things Fall Apart.
And finally, when asked her thoughts on choosing to be childless, her final comment on that was, “Being childless isn’t selfish. Being selfish makes you selfish.” I can think of a hundred words to put in place of ‘childless’ and have that quote be true!
In all, the night was uplifting, fulfilling and I think we all left feeling a little more empowered. I know that I had a couple “aha!” moments through the night. I’ll keep my eye out for the new book and will send a message when I find that it is being published!
Now, to thine ownself be gentle…
Kelley
